SoulRebel
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« on: October 15, 2008, 09:33:40 AM » |
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Since this is a safe place, I'd like to discuss sex.
A male friend of mine called me yesterday in tears. He is a man who said he never cried for years, but he was crying now... for a girl!
Personally, I believe sex can trap people and he is caught. He got into a sexual relationship with a girl who told him yesteday that she "fucking hates" his guts. There is much more to the story, but he is torn. Absolutely torn and it is my belief that sex is the culprit. I think if he didn't have sex with her, he would be more likely to let her go when the relationship was not working. I don't think the relationship ever worked, but sex kept it together.
Let's keep it real. Many Christian who are all for purity and abstinence, are still having pre-marital sex and even casual sex.
Is it just me, or is there some serious emotional damage that can be done when you have sex early in a relationship?
I don't think these consequences are talked about enough. I think people see women as the needy, moody emotional ones who get attached to a man after sex, but what about a man who gets attached to a woman? No one talks about that. As far as I know men don't really mention it to other men for fear that they would be call "pussy-whipped".
I want to share a post I saw on facebook:
"I believe that for the most part any kind of passionate love or the state of being in love is actually infatuation. True love isn't something you experience in your loins you experience it as an unconscious part of yourself it develops with time and diligence and never really ceases to be once the relationship ends. You don't have to work on true love in the same way you do a relationship. It is true love that allows you to know when to say goodbye and when to continue with something because it has potential. True love is essentially a mutual respect an admiration for another person. Once you have found true love you lose the ability to hurt that person out of spite and malign. Hence you'd never cheat. Most people have never experienced true love in a sexual relationship and most people will not. We use words like love to perpetuate our need of intimacy without making sex seem dirty. Most people lack the ability to distinguish intense feelings of attraction from feelings of love. Also a lot of people are obsessed with their lover they really don't love them; they merely wish to obtain their lover as a possession and nothing else. "
I think many Christians abstain because they were told to... not because they see it this way
what do you think?
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Anxiety
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« Reply #1 on: October 15, 2008, 05:02:19 PM » |
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Selfishly, sex is a means to an end, ie: orgasm. Altruistically, sex is a means to stimulate, arouse, and pleasure another. Here comes the tricky part. Human beings are ends in themselves and should be treated as such. This is why consent and empathy are required for both the perceived emotional aspect of sex and wholly physical aspects of intercourse.
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« Last Edit: October 16, 2008, 04:20:16 PM by Anxiety »
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Miranda
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« Reply #2 on: October 15, 2008, 05:22:52 PM » |
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Is there really a way to tell if it is "too early"? I really don't believe in the concept of marriage, so that doesn't qualify in my opinion.
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Paul
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« Reply #3 on: October 16, 2008, 10:25:26 PM » |
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Personally, I believe sex can trap people and he is caught. He got into a sexual relationship with a girl who told him yesteday that she "fucking hates" his guts. There is much more to the story, but he is torn. Absolutely torn and it is my belief that sex is the culprit. I think if he didn't have sex with her, he would be more likely to let her go when the relationship was not working. I don't think the relationship ever worked, but sex kept it together.
Is it just me, or is there some serious emotional damage that can be done when you have sex early in a relationship?
I don't believe your friend is trapped by sex. Sex is just a function of reproduction and pleasure in humans. Now, your friend is more likely trapped by his own insecurities with relationships. But our ego cannot readily admit that we fear the unknown or the possibility that we will not find "another one" and then the denial that there are probably 10-20 other mates available for everyone, so we create this "trap" for convenience. Now if the girl stated what he said, then either he is a jerk, or the girl is. Either way it is time to move on to the next relationship. Not knowing what the fight was about, it is hard to analyze. It may be just her frustration with him on one issue, or it may be an accumulation of many problems in the relationship to a point where she needs to end it at any cost. If another girl paid attention to him, gave him the feeling of security and a need for his companionship, then he would not be going through this mental stress. Amanda is correct in that the emotional attachment is greater for females. I think this is mainly due to the genetic makeup of humans. Women are naturally the nurturers and gatherers, wherein males tend to be the hunters and providers in the relationship. This leads to two different thought patterns about just about everything. Women tend to use stories and emotions to communicate, while men are generally pretty blunt and "tackless". We have different ways of showing our Love for the other person. In my opinion, men tend to look at sex as a means of showing a woman how much he loves her and desires to be intimate. This intimacy is the male's way of conveying his emotions. The more a man "loves" the woman, the more he wants to have sex with her. To women it has an entirely different meaning as noted by Amanda. Males having sex does not guarantee that they are looking for the other person to become "special" but more of a compliment to the allure of the girl. Sorry, if I just crushed someone's opinion of why guys really want to have sex with them. True love comes in later for men. It is when men want to handle the whole emotional, intellectual, and the real intimacy that a woman is desiring from the relationship that we discover what love is really about. As far as the emotional damage in sex, there is no age limit to when this happens. Younger women may be looking for an emotional need to be fulfilled that they don't get from their parents and they get from a guy looking to adulate them. Older women can also be a victim to the same emotions. It may be driven by the emotion to feel wanted, needed, appreciated and loved that causes the emotional damage when they find that the guy really didn't have any of those emotions for them. |
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Anxiety
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« Reply #4 on: October 17, 2008, 01:04:44 PM » |
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I'm in disagreement with Paul on this one. Females and males are both biologically programmed to have the desire to have sex. Not only is this self evident, it's also very apparent by just looking at the historical culture of sex.
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Miranda
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« Reply #5 on: October 17, 2008, 02:40:59 PM » |
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Amanda is correct in that the emotional attachment is greater for females. I think this is mainly due to the genetic makeup of humans. Women are naturally the nurturers and gatherers, wherein males tend to be the hunters and providers in the relationship. This leads to two different thought patterns about just about everything. Women tend to use stories and emotions to communicate, while men are generally pretty blunt and "tackless".
We have different ways of showing our Love for the other person.
In my opinion, men tend to look at sex as a means of showing a woman how much he loves her and desires to be intimate. This intimacy is the male's way of conveying his emotions. The more a man "loves" the woman, the more he wants to have sex with her. To women it has an entirely different meaning as noted by Amanda. Males having sex does not guarantee that they are looking for the other person to become "special" but more of a compliment to the allure of the girl. Sorry, if I just crushed someone's opinion of why guys really want to have sex with them.
True love comes in later for men. It is when men want to handle the whole emotional, intellectual, and the real intimacy that a woman is desiring from the relationship that we discover what love is really about.
I disagree. Many, many girls use sex as a means to boosting their self-esteem. They seem to think that the more guys they sleep with, the more attractive or worthwhile they are. They are, in a sense, "using" whatever male they can get to agree to sleep with them. I would even go so far as to suggest that modern females rarely attach sex to emotions as is the common belief. Not sure exactly what this means from a social science perspective, but it is what I have found based on observation and some research. |
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Paul
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« Reply #6 on: October 17, 2008, 04:40:07 PM » |
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It's always interesting to see how men view sex...
What do you make of guys who are waiting, then? Just curious.
Nothing. Each male is on his own. We may kid each other about sex with women, but realistically, if it doesn't have to do with a relationship that we have then it's cool, whatever floats that person's boat. Neither good nor bad. Indifference is probably a closer attribute. I disagree. Many, many girls use sex as a means to boosting their self-esteem. They seem to think that the more guys they sleep with, the more attractive or worthwhile they are. They are, in a sense, "using" whatever male they can get to agree to sleep with them. I would even go so far as to suggest that modern females rarely attach sex to emotions as is the common belief. Not sure exactly what this means from a social science perspective, but it is what I have found based on observation and some research.
I agree with you as far as modern women. Our culture seems to be trending toward a "status level" in society, which may be based on how many males they can sleep with, how tough they are, how "unconventional or attention grabbing" they can dress. My opinion was based on my generation and the older generation. One of my own sons dated a female as you have described above, she told my son and everone else, that she could only get males to date her "if she had sex with them". She was heavy into the gothic scene and tried her best to be the attention getting, badest momma in the block. She wanted everyone to know that she was a b________. I gave her the following summation: " I understand that you are different and original, just like everyone else". I'm in disagreement with Paul on this one. Females and males are both biologically programmed to have the desire to have sex. Not only is this self evident, it's also very apparent by just looking at the historical culture of sex.
Oh man -  I can't believe you disagree with me.  You are correct about the biology, but both are not "trapped by sex" unless they wish to be there. As long as the desire is being fulfilled, then the relationship continues. When it stops then either the two move on, or one trys to manipulate the emotions to continue what it beneficial to them. |
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Anxiety
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« Reply #7 on: October 17, 2008, 04:57:53 PM » |
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As long as the desire is being fulfilled, then the relationship continues. Don't forget a lack of relationship. Masturbation was such a profound discovery for humanity. |
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Miranda
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« Reply #8 on: October 17, 2008, 10:26:06 PM » |
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To address the original post here, I really disagree that sex itself can "trap" people. Sure, if you get pregnant from that sex you might feel a bit trapped or if you contrct an STD...but the sex alone? It doesn't make sense.
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Overseer
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« Reply #9 on: October 18, 2008, 07:09:29 AM » |
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Yes it does, I think... though I think it occurs most in cases of psychological dysfunction, as a result of abuse, rape, or some other trauma. Talk to someone who is a sex-addict (definition of addiction: when a person partakes of increasingly dangerous behavior despite the consequences), and they will tell you that they feel trapped by sex. I could go on, too. FWIW, in ancient Rome (and I'm sure in many other cultures) women were the ones that were viewed as being sex-hungry. Quite honestly, that's probably closer to the truth  . |
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"Those who find ugly meanings in beautiful things are corrupt without being charming. This is a fault.
Those who find beautiful meanings in beautiful things are the cultivated. For these there is hope."
--Oscar Wilde
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Anxiety
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« Reply #10 on: October 18, 2008, 11:07:12 AM » |
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If consent exists and safe sex practices are used, then where is the dangerous behavior?
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Overseer
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« Reply #11 on: October 18, 2008, 12:54:35 PM » |
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If consent exists and safe sex practices are used, then where is the dangerous behavior?
They often won't use safe sex practices. Really interesting documentary on the subject way back on discovery health. |
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"Those who find ugly meanings in beautiful things are corrupt without being charming. This is a fault.
Those who find beautiful meanings in beautiful things are the cultivated. For these there is hope."
--Oscar Wilde
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Anxiety
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« Reply #12 on: October 18, 2008, 04:05:59 PM » |
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Well, then the risk is not in the philosophy and desire itself, but rather in the applicable hazard regarding unhealthy sexual practices. This is a distinct separation that cannot and should not be remedied through a denial of human nature.
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Overseer
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« Reply #13 on: October 18, 2008, 04:35:57 PM » |
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That was my point...
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"Those who find ugly meanings in beautiful things are corrupt without being charming. This is a fault.
Those who find beautiful meanings in beautiful things are the cultivated. For these there is hope."
--Oscar Wilde
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Anxiety
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« Reply #14 on: October 19, 2008, 12:49:09 PM » |
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Then I echo your sentiments.
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